thank you guys...

thank you guys for dealing with me and listening to me earlier...

i'm still shivering from the news... his face keeps coming back and i don't seem to be able to focus on anything and i can't get myself to fall asleep. like so many memories keep coming back and the more i talk to the other yalies about him, the better i feel and at the same time, the sicker i feel inside.

i think it's also because when i used to work at the empire state building, i always used that entrance right next to where his body apparently fell... and in that regard, im just so thankful and glad - although i know this sounds selfish and heartless to some extent - that im not in new york right now.

i have so many random memories with him, of just walking around the main station trying to figure out where wanna eat, introducing him to the wonders of mangguobing, lighting incense sticks at random temples, and then praying for all our wishes to come true.

he was always so keen on trying out new things, practicing chinese, and was just so genuinely friendly and happy.

if im this shocked and affected, i can't even begin to imagine what his classmates and family must be going through right now....

i wonder when he started planning this all out and what was going through his head that day during class, on his way to the train station, on the train to new york, on the lift up to the observatory, etc. etc. etc... whatever it was that was troubling him so much, i hope he's rid of all that now.

one of my last days in taiwan, when i saw him for the last time, we went through our pics together and realized we didnt have a single picture where both of us are smiling / look decent. and then we said 'ah well.. guess that just means we'll have to meet up at some point in the future and take a cool picture together where ever that may be.'

the realization that that'll never happen makes me shiver.